1. Repeat the feelings back to the child using short sentences. This gives a child a sense of being “heard” and gives them the words they need to learn to express their feelings in a productive way. Examples: “You are so mad!” “You are frustrated!” “You are angry because Mommy said ‘No!’” Be sure to use expressive body language (e.g. a frown, stomping feet, arms crossed) and stay within eyeshot but arm’s length away.
2. Model the behavior you want. If you want a calm body and voice, sit quietly with a relaxed posture. I’ve never met a kid who was able to regain composure as a result of punishment through verbal or physical attacks. (NOTE: If you feel out of control, remove yourself from the area and call for help). Use reaffirming statements as you wait, such as, “Daddy’s here. Let me know when you’re ready to talk.”
3. Talk about it in calm times. Brains aren’t designed to manage so much input at once. A child in the throes of a tantrum is not capable of receiving and processing a long complex message such as, “Your behavior is totally inappropriate and I want you to stop it right now or you will not have iPad time tonight or tomorrow and you will go to bed right after dinner without dessert and you can just forget about a playdate!” Instead, talk about it much later, when everyone is at a relaxed state.
Give the techniques several attempts and wait time. Developing minds need time to process what is happening and to regain control of their bodies. They can “snap” into a tantrum much more quickly than they can “snap” out of it. Expect a child to be physically and emotionally exhausted after a tantrum, and provide the quiet time that he/she (and you!) need.
Remember that your response to a tantrum will often determine the length and severity of the next one. For example, is the tantrum over having candy before dinner? If the tantrum results in receiving the candy, expect a more explosive tantrum in the same situation next time. Did the firm “No” result in a tantrum, with the caregiver waiting it out calmly? The next tantrum will likely be shorter, as the child knows that the tantrum will not result in receiving the candy.
Does it seem like nothing is working? Are the tantrums becoming more frequent? Kids with sensory processing deficits may need more specialized strategies, such as a sensory diet, to manage their environments. Feel free to reach out to our team to discuss sensory processing and determine if it may be a contributing factor in your child’s behaviors. If we can’t help, we will direct you to someone who can!